Need advice, mother vs daughter & husband?

I recently moved in with my daughter, her husband %26amp; 2 kids as I broke up with my partner %26amp; have nowhere else to go. I asked them if I could stay with them and as payment (I am not working) I would look after their baby girl age 17months %26amp; would take care of the housekeeping. But it may now seem as if I have become their maid as I do most of the cooking, cleaning washing %26amp; once a week I have to babysit as well. I also have an 8yr old grandson. My daughter is now giving me grief saying that they cant afford certain things since I moved in as the amount of sugar, coffee, eggs etc. we used every month has more than doubled since I moved in. Although I dont see it this way as I use whatever in the house for the house only. Financially they are battling a bit. Also they say I should follow their rules concerning raising the kids and that I shouldn't interfere %26amp; that I have to go along with their rules %26amp; regulations but I dont always agree with the way they raise their kids.Need advice, mother vs daughter %26amp; husband?
Well first of all, you had no place to go. They took you in to help you. They might have reasons for thinking it would be an advantage for them to have you there, so maybe you can ask them why they want you there. At least then you'll be able to establish what it is they need from you. Then you have to decide whether you are willing to give them what they want. Unfortunately you are the one needing them from what I can see in your question and therefor I think you dont really have the right to say anything except giving them advise. You cant force them to do as you want even if you know it will help them. They are the adults now and they need to find their direction on their own and you can make things easier for them if you just go along. You seem to have similar traits as my mom, so I think you are just trying to help but if you try and force them to see your way or do as you say you will only push them away more and they will feel like you are an imposter. What you could do is just be there for them, support their rules and decisions first, so that when you do give adivise they will be more supportive of your opinions as you were supportive of them first. Just remember this is their first shot at raising kids and taking care of a house etc. and so they want to prove that they are competent and if you keep giving them advise as you would do things, they might just feel like you think bad of their ways of raising those kids. In giving them the support they expect of you, they will respect you more. Right now you seem to them as a burden because first of all you are not contributing financially, secondly they feel the burden financially and still are prepared to take care of you, therefor they do love you and are helping you because they want to, that could change if you dont go along with what they say, it is their house afterall and you need to respect that. Just remember that in order to get respect you need to give respect first and if they think you're criticizing their ways all the time it might seem to them that you do not respect their house and rules and so they dont respect or appreciate what you do. You guys need to sit down and be honest with each other. What do you want from them? What do they want from you? Are you willing to give them what they want? Are they willing to give you what you want? Do you respect them and vica versa. Those are the things you guys need to address now and from what I have learned in life the sooner you guys fix this situation at home the sooner you all will be happy at home. I'm sure the kids can see that things are a bit uptight at home and that will confuse them. Also if you treat the kids differently to what they treat their kids, the kids will be left to choose between grandma and mom and dad and in most cases they choose the grandma because she usually spoils them whereas mom and dad has to discipline and enforce rules. All kids need that and if you all disagree on the manner you treat them and raise them the kids WILL be confused and play you off against one another especially the older one. So in fact what could happen here is that you could unknowingly and unintentionally manipulate those kids into thinking mom and dad just worry about themselves and rules and discipline. Is this really the picture you want your grandkids to have of their parents. Just remember you had your chance to raise your kids, now its their turn and just as you made mistakes, they will make mistakes too. You cant prevent that but by supporting them you show your love and caring nature, in going against them you show them disrespect.Need advice, mother vs daughter %26amp; husband?
You should sit them down and talk to both of them when the children are not around and let them know what is going on. Let them know they are missing out on the lives of their children. Tell her husband that although you offered to help around the house that does not mean that he doesn't have the obligation as a father and a man to help as well.


When it comes to your daughter ask her what she did before when you weren't there. Did she clean the house at all? You offered to help because you are not adding income into the household however she did not hire a maid.


If things do not get better you have to figure out a way to leave because staying is only going to ruin the relationship you have with your daughter as well as with you son-in-law.





GOOD LUCK I hope everything turns out ok!
It's always hard living with other family members when you're an adult. I had to go back living with my parents and my toddler too. It was awful! There is bound to be tension. Sounds like you need to set some ground rules about what exactly your duties are. Were they paying for daycare before? If so, find out how much. Then you can determine what jobs you think you should do for that money. Are you not working then? Do you have a pension or something you are getting? Do you have money of your own? You need to pretend you're not family and set it up like a job. If you agree to be done with the house chores at 5pm, then quit doing them at 5pm. Of course you'll clean up after yourself, but don't clean up after them. As far as the kids, they are their kids. You cannot interfere with their parenting. If you feel like you must you must talk to them and then make peace with it. Personally, hearing the dynamic in the house makes me think you should move out.
Well the thing is they are the parents not you and it sucks especially when you know ways that would make things better or easier but unfortunately it's their life and their kid and your opinion doesn't make a difference. ( I don't mean that in a rude way...same goes for everyone else ) If it's getting hard living there maybe you can find something to do one of the days...I know it must feel wierd and they should make you feel more like a family member in the house than a maid just cause you aren't paying I mean I'm sure you didn't treat her that way when we she was a kid haha...Anyways you have to either follow their rules or if you hate it that much find a way to live on your own. Good luck.
1. It is her house, they are her kids and it is her life. Sorry


However, by agreeing to let you stay with them, they have made you part of HER household, brought you closer to HER kids and made you a bigger part of HER life. Life is all about compromises. And that means them too.


2. Communication has to be used. Definitely need to think carefully about what you wanna say. Maybe write them a letter or just keep notes of your concerns. This would be ones of those difficult, uncomfortable, serious talks we all do sometimes in life. Once you lay it all out, if they still don't care, at least you know you did everything you could to bring your concerns to their attention.


3. If you all can't get along...move out. Its the only way to salvage any positive relationship you still have with your daughter and will still allow you to be close to your grand kids (what good will it do them if you aren't permitted to see them anymore because you and your daughter cut ties?)
As a parent I would expect anyone coming into my house to take care of my children the way that I would do it myself. My mother does not agree with a lot of the things that I do with my son, such as vaccinations. I let her have her say, but it really annoys me. If she ever came to live with me I would expect her to learn to deal with how I raise my children. As far as the date nights go, I think they are very important to a marriage. I feel like you are willing to put a price on their marriage. No matter how tight finances become it is important to make sure that their marriage stays solid. Having someone else live in your house puts a very big kink in your marriage anyway because you can't be open with eachother and it makes sex hard among other things. If you are unhappy with the situation then you should probably move out. And as far as the budget goes, why not ask her what they used to eat before and make that instead so that you remain within her budget.
Well, they are right -- it IS their house, it IS their children, and frankly, since you dumped her dad and didn't raise her yourself, you are hardly an expert on child rearing, now, are you? Plus, you are so inept at managing your own life that you are now penniless and would be HOMELESS if it wasn't for your daughter. How DARE you criticize your daughter -- who is married, has a roof over her head and is caring for her children -- everything that you did NOT. If they go out every Monday, they are probably doing it to get away from YOU, to have a little one-on-one time. They have completely lost their privacy since you moved in. Don't begrudge them one night a week. If you were tactful, you'd be finding something to do one or two nights a week, to allow them to have some family time at home without you.





I can understand why things are tense. You should be grateful they are willing to let you live with them, but instead, it sounds like you moved in and started throwing around free advice and generally making a pest of yourself. You SHOULD be following their rules -- it's their children. It's a basic philosophy: You had your chance to raise kids and you blew it. Now, it's your daughter's turn, and you can't interfere, unless what they are doing is active child endangerment (which it doesn't sound like.) You don't agree? Too damn bad. You don't have a vote.





Do yourself and daughter a favor and move out. Your free babysitting is NOT worth the hassle and the tension. First you beg to move in with them and offer babysit and ';take care of the housekeeping';. Now you're bitching about doing most of the cooking, cleaning, etc. What did YOU mean by housekeeping? Dusting once a week and maybe pushing a vacuum? It doesn't sound like you guys had a firm understanding of who would do what when you moved in.
I'd get a job and move out... It is their life and what they want to do. If you don't agree it's really too bad.





Honestly if my MIL moved in to help me out saying she'd do the housework and watch the kids then I'd expect her to do the house work and watch the kids not lecture me about my parenting skills. You didn't raise your children and from my own experience my MIL tries to tell me what to do after having nothing to do with my husband... It's very annoying and you have no right to say what you think at that point.





Fact of the matter is you're in their home and it's their rules if you don't agree you can go else where.





They might be using you but you're using them too. You're living in their house for free while they work their asses off. They deserve time away from the kids every week and so what if he sits infront of the tv? I know my hubby works 12 hrs when he gets home all he wants is to sit down and do nothing for awhile.





I think you either need to move out or take it ... I'm not trying to be nasty but you need to realize that you have no right to say what they do at all and if you don't like it that's just too bad. You can try telling them that you don't like it and they'll tell you to mind your own business which is what you should be doing.