Made to feel guilty by Mother? Any advice would be good...........?

My mum lives 2 hours away from me. Nothing bad with that but she is partly disabled but fiercly independant. She is losing her sight in one eye and is horrendously lonely following a nasty and unexpected divorce form my stepfather. the thing is, 90% of the family (my aunts and cousins, my sister) etc all live near by and have daily contact. I however, call once maybe twice a week. This is where the problem lies. I offer to move back home and look after her but she refuses and says she can manage but in another breath she makes me feel really bad for not going to see her every free moment I have. I am a busy manager of a large security company and sometimes dont get days off for weeks but when I do I always go and see her. Its really starting to get me down and I am feeling guilty for making a success with my career away from my ';hometown';. Dont get me wrong I love her dearly and if she needed me I would be there. I have tried talking to her but she says I am Imagining it all......help?Made to feel guilty by Mother? Any advice would be good...........?
This may sound rude, but I swear my intentions are sterling: You sound like a mama's boy.





You obviously have a lot of compassion and are a decent person. Problem is, people, including family, often take advantage of decent people. Here's a question to ask yourself as an adult male who deserves independence:





Would you rather feel guilty, or resentful (for now)? Choose one.





Your mother has people, resources. She is not your child, she is your mother. You WILL feel guilty at first for not giving in to her neediness. Your other alternative is to give in to her manipulations and get more and more resentful.





When faced with guilt or resentment, generally you should choose to feel guilt. I say, do what you must for yourself and/or your own family.





One final thing: The more you give in to her, the more used to being a mama's boy you become. The less you give in, the more you respect yourself, the more of an authentic adult you become, and as a bonus the guilt will dissipate (over time).





Learn to say ';no'; without apologizing. You can still see her once in a while, but you can also write her letters, send her cards, and phone her at times.Made to feel guilty by Mother? Any advice would be good...........?
If your mom's needs are met, then your next priority is you and your family. Definately help he r any way you can and make shure she has what she needs but don't damage your viability because she wants to see you an unreasonable amount. Some parents NEVER see their children. She can handle seeing you only once every few weeks.
You best gift to her is to be happy and successful in your own life.


You do not appear to have a lack of love for your Mother...your heart seems to be in the right place. Just express to her that you are there for her, if she ever needs you for anything. Take her out to a restaurant sometime, when you get a chance. That is all anyone could ever ask. Ask yourself where all your ';guilt'; is coming


from...your Mom will be fine.
You need to relax a little bit. Your mom is dealing with a lot of stuff including losing that independence she so values. What is probably happening is that what she is conveying to you at times is out of frustration. You need to be involved in plans to take care of her in the future but realize that until she absolutely must she won't give up her independence. For now just let her do her venting and don't take it so personal.
if you can move your whole life you can visit (all the time).


blah , blah , blah.....


gotta love old people.


they have a way of making us feel soooo guilty, don't they?
It is very nice that you want to be with her but you got to understand to she want to be by herself if she get worst maybe you can save so when she need you she can be with her.Lots of time when people get sick they want to do as much as they can their self.
THE ELDERLY WANT IT ALL THEIR WAY AND ARE GOOD AT THE GUILT TRIP THING, BUT ITS A PATH WE WILL ALL TAKE IF WE LIVE TO BE OLD.
You need to get on with your life, your mums probably pleased that your career minded. Let her know that you want to spend time with her and that any chance you get you go and see her. You've offered to move back thats all you can do. Don't worry though you obviously love your mum and she loves you, as long as you've got love ;-)
Being in a very simular situation myself, over time I have discovered it is what mothers do.


You said that she is partly disabled and fiercly independant, there may be a little confliction there within her self ';needing a little help from time to time and not facing it?';


Also if you didnt care you wouldnt have written that question. and as mothers go she will know that love her and would be there at a moments notice if need be..
Hey I know saying don't feel that way is easier said then done but it's part of living away ,it's not a all bad thing to feel bad because your not there but don't let it take you over because believe me if you was there it would be something else, for one that's her way of getting your attention and being sure she is on your mind. ask your other brothers and sisters, and if they talk to her they will tell you that she is making them feel bad about something too. I think it just comes with the inscurities that she has in her old age. If it got right down to it,if you did quite and come home to take care of her she would feel guilty and that would cause more hard feelings between you. Save up some vacation time and go home for a long vist with the understanding that you are leaving on ? day stick to it no matter want and u will be glad for the vist and glad to get home. I travel and only get home about every 2 months and my mother lives in my house and she was always telling me how bad she wanted me there until i came home and she thought i was going to stay and then she changed her story after about 2months of me everyday ! Yes she is lonely think about getting her in a program that will allow her to see people and if she can't come out have them come in check with health department and /or local church group and she will not have so much empty time. She loves you but don't throw your like down the drain.She will still love you.
Guilt is a signal your behaviors are not in alignment with your beliefs.





It is natural because it tells us to ';take a look';.





So what are your beliefs about this situation... list them





I'm busy


Success is important


I love my mom


I see her enough (or not enough)





Your behavior is you visit when you can.





Okay now visits are a choice and you want to make working ones. Working means: ';enhances your life and the ones around you';.





So by visiting you are enhancing both you and your mom's lives (quality visits I presume). GREAT





So by being away you are enhancing your life with work and things that recharge you (you need breaks too). GREAT.





Any problems matching those two?





Now feeling guilty is also a choice. She says you're imagining it. You still feel guilty. No one can MAKE you feel - it is YOUR CHOICE - own it!





She is trying to help you make a working choice FOR you!





My advice: Get over it. You are in alignment with your beliefs EXCEPT you feel guilty...





Make a new choice. And next time you visit make it special.
It sounds to me that ur mom wants you to move back home but dosn't want to directly tell you, I would tell her the same thing you told me and tell her your really confused and don't know what to do. Or simply try to take more time off work and try to c her. If she has realation down were she lives why don't you have a little chat with them and ask if they could help... Just try not to focus ur whole life around her, you are an adult and you need you time!